Subject: Obituary 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend Mr. Common Sense.  Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.  He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.  Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).  His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.  Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.  Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.  Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.  Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.  Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.  He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.  Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

New Pastor Warranty

It has come to our attention that the pas­tor you received was shipped with a slight defect—he is not psychic. Because of this, you must observe certain procedures to ensure optimum performance.  It is necessary to inform him of any members who are hospitalized.  If someone you know is in need of prayer, the pastor must be told, or he won't know.  If you are in need of a pastoral visit, you will get best results if you ask him.  We regret any inconvenience this may cause.

PASTORAL PERFECTION

Good news! After hundreds of years of ministers, a model pastor has been found—one who will please every church member.  He is twenty-six years old and has been preaching for thirty years. He is tall, short, thin, heavyset, handsome, and has one brown eye and one blue eye. His hair is parted in the middle (blonde), left side He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his time with older folks. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.  He makes fifteen calls a day on church members, spends all his time evangelizing the lost, and never leaves his office.

LAITY THOUGHTS

There are four classes of church members: the tired, the retired, the tiresome, and the tireless.  Every church has three classes of mem­bers: the workers, the jerkers, and the shirkers.  Some church members who say "Our Father" on Sunday go around the rest of the week acting like orphans.  It seems that some church members have been starched and ironed, but too few have been washed.

DICTIONARY OF CHURCH ATTENDEES:

Pillars—worship regularly, giving time and money;

Leaners—use the church for funerals, baptisms, and weddings;

Specials—help and give occasionally for something that appeals to them;

Annuals—dress up for Easter and come for Christmas programs;

Sponges--take all blessing and benefits, even the sacraments, but never give out anything themselves;

Scrappers—take offense and criticize.

CAUGHT IN THE ACTS

A parishioner had just returned home from Sunday evening service when she was startled by a burglar. With great biblical authority she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!", which implies "Turn from your sin."  The thief stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the man, he asked the burglar, "Why did you stop your burgling? All the old lady did was yell a Bible verse at you."  "Bible verse?" replied the crook. "She said she had an ax and two .38s!"